my mama never raised no victim

According to a quick Google search the world English dictionary has this to say about the word victim

victim. 
 noun
1. a person or thing that suffers harm, death, etc, from another or from some adverse act, circumstance,           etc: victims of tyranny
2. a person who is tricked or swindled; dupe
3. a living person or animal sacrificed in a religious rite

usage Using the word victim  or victims  in relation to chronic illness or disability is often considered demeaning and disempowering. Alternative phrases such as who experiences , who has been diagnosed with , or simply with  and then the name of the disability or illness, can be used instead.

Now there is no easy way to say this, or type it in this case. I was Raped, when I was 14years old. At a friends party by a 17 year old boy I met three times before at the most. I was drunk, something I had never been before. Now to be clear I did not say no, At no point in time did I say no, or kick, punch, or bite. but I know that if I had it is very likely I still would have been raped, my consent was not something thought of. Nether was my age or my capacity to think clearly or make choices. Any choices, let-alone the choice to have sex for the first time. At no point did I say yes, or anything but ask him to use a condom. Something I did do repeatedly. He did not threaten me or hit me. I was simply put to bed too drunk and half asleep he was  shown the same bed. he simply rolled on top of me and started tugging at my skirt, he was smoking weed for a majority of the night and it took him a few seconds to tug down the stockings and skirt til it was just my panties. I lay in the twin sized bed blinking in to the darkness feeling weighed down by the ten plus screwdrivers that i had drunk in the course of 2 and a half hours aprox.

his soon had my panties off, something that i barely registered. it wasn't until he unbuckled his belt that it occurred to me that he was going to have sex, with me. I woke up the next day and he was gone. i was numb totally numb, the walk home was awful. it hurt to walk a sharp pain the cut through me. it was like someone turned the world to dim. when i got home my mom playfully asked me if i had a good time and what we did all night play spin the bottle? I blinked and shook my head. my sister figured out within minutes of talking to me that something was wrong and I numbly told her that I had sex. she was almost as shocked as I was.

It has taken me a long time to name what happened that night as rape. almost 5 years, for many many reason. I have never seen myself as some one who is a victim, I have never felt like one ether. I never felt like it was okay to claim that something like that has happened to me, because if I was raped that means in turn that I am calling a person a rapist. I felt like I would be saying I am weak. because I never in clear and in certain terms said "no, I would very much not like to have sex with you, so if you force me to have sex with you it will be rape." I never hit him or yelled for help, for the people in the living room a mere 6 feet away. I stayed quite, after I told no one and a week later claimed to have had sex. it never felt like sex, it never felt like it was okay to talk about. I threw out the clothes that I wore that night, I couldn't look at them with out feeling sick or my hand shaking. why did I do all this? fear, shame, confusion. it felt like if I ignored it then it could be something else. I would do anything for it not to be rape. including not letting any one most importantly myself acknowledge that it was rape. I almost felt that if I didn't call it rape then it wouldn't be rape.

but it doesn't work like that, I still woke up to it every day, it was with me watching TV, eating lunch, with my friends, going to sleep each night. It changed how I thought, how I felt, who I was. it redefined what I wanted to be, narrowing it down, to the only thing I could be who I was before I was raped.

this is me, trying to deal with the out come of my choices, choices that I made when I was 14 years old. this is me trying to deal with my rape, and the harmful coping mechanisms that are left over from it. I don't know if it will help anybody out there, I hope to. But I know that how I was raped is not uncommon. how we were raised and what our culture tells us is only detrimental to a women's belief that she will be heard, and that she does have a choice, but it worse for girls. I didn't think I would be taken at my word if I was to tell anyone what happened. And I know that some people won't take me at my word now. its hard to prove that he knew what he was doing was wrong, because apparently the fact that I was 14, and drunk was not enough of a tip off for him.

this is me writing about what gets me, mad, inspired, happy, and health. maybe it will help you out too.